You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2007.
Maps fascinate me. I could look at them for hours. Here’s my countries visited map, the extent of my travels…I would really like to add to these in the near future. Anyhoo, I thought this was fun 
I have been watching/reading/seeing a lot about war recently. I think I try to shelter myself from hearing about it because it is so hard to hear about, you know? I realize this with most things and try to make myself learn more about hard situations and social issues such as AIDS, genocide, and orphans to keep myself aware and do what I can to help in that area. Especially with documentaries that are intense and hard to watch. With war, it has always been a different story and I avoid conversation about it and reading up on it. Lately, it’s been coming up in films I am watching, books I am reading and thoughts I am having. War affects us all. Much of my family has been affected by the Vietnam War because of family members who were drafted into the war. They were changed having gone through that and thus have changed and affected me through their experiences. They are not the same because of war. War terrifies me.
I can’t imagine the things they have seen, the things they have done, the things they can’t forget, the images they can’t erase, the nightmares that still haunt them. I can’t imagine being in the position of taking another person’s life or having my life threatened because of war. I can’t imagine what would make someone turn and kill their neighbor because of their heritage. I can’t imagine being told that my duty is to kill another human being. I can’t imagine having the barrel of a gun pointed in my face. I can’t imagine being bombed or invaded and having to run from my home with only the belongings I can carry or without anything at all. I can’t imagine hiding in places unimaginable to keep from being killed or taken hostage. I can’t imagine what it is like to see a family member or friend killed in front of my eyes. I can’t imagine running for miles without looking back. I can’t imagine the sound of invasion alarms going off all hours of the night. I can’t imagine never feeling safe in my own home. I can’t imagine what would cause someone to lead an entire country into war. I can’t imagine an entire village killed and burned. I can’t imagine rivers of blood. I can’t imagine killing someone because of the color of their skin. I can’t imagine living in a state of constant fear. I can’t imagine returning to my home to find it in pieces among the rubble. I can’t imagine opening my front door to see an officer there to tell me my husband was killed in action. I can’t imagine having one of my loved ones fighting for something and not knowing why. I can’t imagine being falsely accused. I can’t imagine changing my appearance constantly out of fear of being found and killed. I can’t imagine being killed for my religion. I can’t imagine the feeling of having killed an innocent person. I can’t imagine the feeling of knowing I was going to die. I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to support war. I can’t imagine a problem that could ever be solved with war.
It breaks my heart.
I just can’t imagine.
I have been listening to Rosie Thomas ALL DAY. It’s been a Rosie Thomas kind of day. I don’t think there is music out there that hits closer to home or moves me more deeply than hers. Her lyrics hit me right here, well you can’t see but I am patting my heart. She is so vulnerable in her music-the kind of vulnerable you want to be with people but are too careful of or nervous to actually be. I just love her. She is so charming at her shows, too. I couldn’t get enough of her in Seattle. She is petite and cute and fashionable. She was cracking jokes and cracking up between every song. You just want to put her in your pocket. I would like to be friends with her. Her voice can bring me to tears in record timing. Her songs are moving, heartbreaking, happy, sorrowful and hopeful all wrapped up like a gift you wrap so beautifully for the one you love. I always jump into reflection mode when I hear Rosie’s songs, so I can’t say I have many thoughts at the moment; they are all swimming around in my head not fully making sense, yet.
I’ll leave you with a couple song lyrics of Rosie’s which are so beautiful…
It Don’t Matter to the Sun
It don’t matter to the sun
If you go or if you stay
No, the sun is gonna rise, gonna rise
Shine down on another day
There will be tomorrow
Even if you choose to leave
Cuz it don’t matter to the sun no, no
It matters to me
It ain’t gonna stop the world
If you walk out that door
This old world just keeps spinning round, spinning round
Like it did the day before
Cuz to them it makes no difference
It just keeps on keeping time
Cuz it ain’t gonna stop the world no
But it’ll be the end of mine
So what can I say?
What can I do?
I’m still in love.
Why aren’t you?
Death Came and Got Me
I can’t
I can’t stop crying
Every day I’m so afraid of dying
Death already came and got me
So I’m not living
I’m not living anyway
And who am I supposed to be? Everybody seems to see except for me
who cares anyway?
Cause when it’s over it’s all over
And what you gained you throw away
When will love ever find me? All my life all I have craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway? Cause when it’s over all that matters is the love you gave away
I just started this Dynamis course through Bethany Presbyterian led by Tim Dearborn of World Vision. The class focuses on empowering people to participate in God’s love for the world, which is right up my alley, to live with vision and purpose, to use my life to help others, to be a blessing to others. One of my favorite quotes, life quotes, if you will, comes from a book called Simpler Living: Compassionate life.
“In truth, all human beings are called to be saints,but that just means called to be fully human, to be perfect-that is, whole, mature, fulfilled.The saints are simply those men and women who relish the event of life as a giftand who realize that the only way to honor such a gift is to give it away.”
The first class was interesting. Tim talked about God’s love and how we have a hard time receiving God’s love. God’s love is so immense and powerful that it is easy to shy away from and many do. God wants to know us completely and for us to know him completely. This is scary, to be fully known. I think we all struggle with being known, at least I do. It’s a balance between wanting to be known AND loved and being known AND rejected. For someone to know everything about you and reject you is a real blow, enough of a blow to want to hide away one’s true self. To have the whole of you, your core rejected, that is crushing. It reminds me of a Pedro the Lion song, “if they really knew me, they would run.” We have deep fear that if we were to be known, people would turn away… I am continually in awe of God’s love. He desperately wants to know us and was willing to risk himself on us. He knew that many would love him back. He also knew that many would learn all about him and turn away. There was no sure thing our loving him back. You know how in elementary school, middle school, high school and even now, say you have a crush, you have a friend ask your crush what they would say if you were to ask them out and then you would only ask that person out if they would definitely say yes…There was a deal there- I will love you but only if you promise you will love me back. God’s love isn’t like this. God’s love needs no assurance. He loved us first, knowing his heart would break. He loves us fearlessly. I love that. Mostly because I love in a way completely opposite to that, I can’t help it. It’s a fear of rejection, sorrow and pain. In the book I am reading, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close there is a great quote about this and I know there are many others like it, but it reads, “you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” Sure you can hide away from the world and put up walls and avoid the sorrows of this life, but also, as a result you will never experience the great joys of life.
well, that’s what I am currently chewing on…
So this is my first post. I am not great at introductions, like a new journal with all clean pages I never know what to say to do the first page or in this case, post justice. So I’ll do as I do with all my journals of before, I will start this out with a quote. I love Donald Miller. He is a great writer. He cares about God and he cares about the world. I would like to be friends with him. This is the forward to his book, Through Painted Deserts; I was incredibly moved when he read this at church one night. I may even recall a tear or two.
And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it? It might be time for you to go, it might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you. Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It’s a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you always wanted it to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed. –Donald Miller
